Oscar Likes To Eat…

 

I was tagged to do this by someone on Facebook.  I googled my name and the random verb “eats”.  These are the first 10 things that come up.   My smartass comments are in parens.

Oscar Eats With An Indian Twist. Friend of The Food Section Monica Bhide shows fans of “Slumdog Millionaire” what to eat and drink on Oscar night

(Might I suggest a hamburger?  No, you’re sticking with the Indian thing?  OK.  How about a diaper?  Yeah, eat a diaper.  You’re better off.)

My fish eating another fish. Watch Video about Oscar,Fish,Pets by Metacafe.com.

(This is precisely what I hate about the internet.  Watch my fish eat.  Thanks, but I’d rather watch you cut yourself.  Get to it.)

To truly celebrate the little golden man in style, your Oscar party tapas spread shouldn’t be just cheese and crackers. Fun, finger-size foods will …

(If you know what a tapas spread is … chances are great that the only crackers at the party will be the ones eating the cheese)

Oscar eats Dad’s hair!! picture published by ecpjm.

(Yeah, I really don’t know what to say here.  I’m hoping that ‘Dad’s hair’ is some family specialty rather than it being Mom’s cooking sucks so hard that Oscar ate Dad’s toupee.)

Oscar eats a pear. Oscar loves his fruit … Tags: Oscar commane pear eating. Topics: Friends & Family. Duration: 00:00:06. Played: 653 time(s) …

(Again, kill yourself.  Thanks.)

Oscar Eats It (excerpt). The sun was a big-hot, boiling ball, leering behind Cabanas Lola at 6:30 a.m., a malevolent burnt-orange presence with purple edges …

(I will eat nothing that can be described as big, hot, and purple that has balls.  I leave that to others.)

Oscar started eating rice cereal about 6 weeks ago or so. Here’s a video clip of that … He started eating jars of organic baby food a couple weeks ago. …

(OK.  It’s fine this time, it’s probably their first baby.  If this is #2 or #3, kill yourself)

Maybe Mister Puck himself isn’t making your Oscar party hors d’oeuvres, but you can still serve up a stellar snack or two.

(That guy from the Real World with all the snot rockets?  None for me thanks.  I’ve just signed an exclusive deal to get all my forms of hepatitis from Tommy Lee.)

2 Responses to “Oscar Eats Hunger Strike for Human Rights”. RG Says: March 9th, 2006 at 10:42 am. Didn’t see that hunger strike for human rights covered …

(How does one eat a hunger strike?  Did he eat someone on a hunger strike?)

Crazy…my oscar was about 2 inches long and I bought a 1 1/2 inch Rainbow Shark . After letting the new shark in I checked back about 45 minutes later …

(Odd, this Oscar is about nine inches long and he eats va-jay-jay (most disgusting word ever, primarily because I’ve heard Oprah use it))

 

5 Methods For Beating Apathy

A less talented writer would begin this article by informing you that dictionary.com defines apathy as the “absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.”  I won’t do that.  I am above that, Dear Reader, and frankly … you are as well.  Nay, I shall begin by pointing to my own incredible apathy of late.  I’ve been so apathetic at times that I’m even apathetic about apathy, which is like dancing about architecture in many ways.

I know that many of you suffer from this horrific condition.  In 2008 alone, nearly 285 million Americans admitted to being bored by the fuckery of everyday life.  Boredom is one of the principal signs of apathy; the second being that you just don’t give a shit that you’re bored.

We’ll get onto the tips and beat this together.

5 Methods For Beating Apathy

You can do these in order.  You can skip around.  To be totally honest, I don’t care.

1.  Admit that you are powerless over apathy and that there’s really no point … to any of this.  That’s right, kids – wrap yourself up in the cozy blanky called Despair and settle in for the night.

2.  Make a deal with yourself.  It’s time to do something, anything.  It doesn’t even matter what it is.  This step is alternately called Settling or Bargaining.  This is responsible for 98% of Deal or No Deal‘s ratings.

3.  Put on that thing that you recorded during Shark Week; that awesome one about the flying great whites of South Africa.  You’ve been meaning to get to it.  This is your chance.  Substitution is power.

4.  Take a bunch of pills.  Desperation might not kill you, but at least it’ll make those cartoons just that much funnier.

5.  I’ve honestly never gotten past step number four.  Well, there are two ways for you to look at this.  The first way is “oh shit, I’m fucked.”  The second way would be to actually figure out a way to beat it.  Please email me if you do.