Odds & Ends

Sometimes, the smegma-like detritus that clogs my brain needs to be lanced and it isn’t large enough for its own post. For instance ….

Raw Food

We’re bombarded with diet and clean-living advice each January as the year dawns anew. The more flowery the intro … the funnier the stupid thing you’re segueing into … or at least I hope. Anyway, so this year I’m hearing a lot about eating ‘raw’. The concept behind eating raw is, from what I can tell, that somehow eating food that hasn’t been cooked is automatically better. I don’t really get that, but fuck the hippies; they never make any sense anyway. The point being though, if I go raw … can I still eat Captain Crunch? I promise never to put it in the oven. What? I love the Cap’n. How can I live without him? Further, how do you talk to an angel?

But then I’m being silly … this is like asking vegetarians if they can still give head. That was funny the first 200 times that it was said in the history of the world. By my watch, it hasn’t been funny since 1918.

Another thing that always seems to be connected to the raw thing … colonics. I don’t know if I could do that. The practical reason for this is that it seems silly to pay someone to make me shit a lot without feeding me. I mean, I could go to Taco Bell and at least [theoretically] enjoy a meal as well. Seems inappropriately decadent in these troubled times.

The impractical reason that I could never get a colonic comes down to a fear that I’ve always had. I’ve always been afraid that Lilliputians live in my colon. Frankly, I don’t want to piss them off. They’re just waiting for a reason to get mad at me. Little fuckers are all Napoleons.

Lottery Loser

I don’t have the exact statistics available offhand, and Google seems like a lot of work this morning, but I’ve heard that 95% of all people that win the lottery lose all of their money at least 40% of the time. I’ve known how I’d lose mine for a long time now.

I have this [admittedly immature] thing that I do because it amuses me. I sometimes buy intentionally amusing combinations of items just so that I can watch the checkout clerk’s face as she mentally fills in the backstory. For instance, this morning I purchased Liquid Plumbr along with a 24 pack of toilet paper because I’ve got a big weekend planned. Apparently?

It’s not that I do this. Because … I did need both of those things, but I wouldn’t have bought them both in the same place were it not funny to me. I was going to separate stores – the toilet paper would’ve been cheaper at the second.

If I were to win the lottery … oh it’d be motherfucking on.

Some of the things I plan to buy…

1. Cucumber and Vaseline – technically, I’ve already done this one so …

2. Wine coolers, sleeping pills, and a See-And-Say – Come on! That’s funny!

3. Handcuffs, a feather, a leather strap, and a tennis ball

4. A Hanger and a pregnancy test

5. Gerbil and KY Jelly

6. A length of rope and a copy of The Bell Jar

7. Suppositories, a shoe horn, and a birthday card

You get the point. The list goes on forever. I always think … maybe the money would make me grow up a bit, but that fantasy fades out in seconds.

Braingames are now over.